Step parenting

I’ve been thinking about a blog post on the topic of step parenting for a while.  I want to share my experiences from the past 3 years, having become a step parent to two boys, following no previous parental experience other than loving my friends’ and family’s children.  No doubt likely the most transformative period of my adult life.  These are the things worth sharing, I think.  

I could easily write a 20 page post on the topic, but to avoid putting off anyone who actually reads the blog, I decided to break down my thoughts into a few different posts.  Best to start with general thoughts.

It has been quite a journey.  Rewarding at times, very challenging at others.  The most significant difficulty for me, particularly at the beginning, was realizing how incorrect my expectations were before taking the leap into a relationship with someone who had children.   My mother told me I didn’t know what I was getting into, even though she fully supported me.  She tried to explain how much life would change.  I thought I understood, I thought she was being protective.  Turns out, she was so very right right.  I had no idea.

A good friend of mine once said, having children is a lack of forethought.  These were in the first months of no sleep, lots of crying and adaptation for he and his partner.  Now, of course, his daughter is the single most important thing in his life.  All this to say, that at the beginning, you can’t help but think - WHAT.  HAVE.  I. DONE!?  Ok, so maybe there are perfect people out there who don’t go through this, but I know a lot do, even if for short periods of time.  Well at first, with step children, and all the baggage that usually comes with them, you truly wonder if you were in your right mind doing this.  You are of course.  You just need to give yourself time to realize that your initial expectations were most likely delusional.

So here are a few misconceptions I had going into becoming a step parent.  All dispelled, I assure you.  But it was a bumpy ride.

- You’ll be great at this and it’s going to be easy!
- Kids will resist you and regularly scream “You are NOT MY MOTHER!”
- You will immediately love the kids as if they were your own.
- You will be the most patient step mother EVER!
- Co-parenting with an ex-spouse is easy and only requires good communication.
- Kids consider your feelings when acting (this speaks to lack of parenting experience in particular).
- Your life won’t change THAT much.

Ah, how naive!  It’s difficult to even find the words to describe the blindness I had at first.  Suddenly so many unexpected challenges!  What’s important though, is to learn from the challenges, and focus on all the amazing things that children bring to our lives - whether your own, or borrowed.

There’s much to learn from this type of experience.  At first, I think it’s about dispelling unreasonable expectations.  After, of course, one hopes the experience evolves and becomes more akin to actual parenthood.  That’s what I think, anyhow.  Being a parent is not linked only to biological factors.  It’s well beyond that.  But I digress.  

Here are some new perceptions I have now, after having been a step parent for a while.

- I’m not a perfect or uniquely patient parent figure.  This takes hard work and self awareness.
- Kids are very open if you let them.  They are amazingly adaptable.
- Don’t buy into the drama of co-parenting emotions.  The adaptation period is rarely rational.
- Don’t take things personally from kids, they are just kids.
- Forgive forgive forgive!!! (probably my biggest lesson)
- Don’t be just another disciplinarian, be someone that loves them and advocates them.
- Earn trust, but know when to breach it.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Of course these are not the only lessons I’ve learned, and there are many more to come, but these are the ones I’d like to write about. Why?  Because they have changed me.  These wonderful, loving, independence searching children, make me a better person every day.  They make me question who I am, what I want to exemplify, and how to teach them, too, to be better people as they grow and learn.

While I may or may not ever experience having a child of my own, I am grateful that the universe has brought me my step children.  I can no longer imagine my life without them.  That’s a pretty extra ordinary thing in itself, if you ask me.