Getting used to having children in your life is not the only adjustment that comes with step parenting. A whole new level of involvement begins, and that is parenting with an ex-spouse (if there is one) and their new spouse (if there is one). This adds significant complexity to the mix, as well as a lot of emotional ups and downs - if you let it.
There are so many different variables in this equation that I can’t even begin to do the topic justice. What I can share are the challenges that we faced - I faced - when adapting to being part of a quartet of parental figures.
The most important thing I came to understand, is that children, no matter how good, will play parents against each other at some point during the adaption period. I believe these actions to be borne not from bad intent, but from emotional confusion and guilt. Some children will feel like they are betraying their biological parent when getting along with or developing a strong relationship with a step parent. As such, they often are compelled to depict the step parent in a bad light to the biological parent to somehow make up for this. This is no fun for anyone involved. In fact, it can be downright destructive... again if you let it.
The key is to make sure parents and step parents are transparent with what the children tell them, particularly if negative. Often when a divorce is fresh, and feelings are still sore, the parents indulge in the negative information, and it fuels the fire of anger that might exist already. This, is a trap! The more the children are indulged in this practice, the worse it can get, and often with no realization of the impact it has.
This behavior has pretty much been curbed in our household, but once in a while, we’ll hear a strange or exaggerated negative statement and either immediately call the other parental unit to validate, or will speak with them shortly, with the boys in the room, and it usually ends up getting toned WAY down if not completely taken back. The threat of the conversation itself most of the time will actually have the same impact. :)
At first I’d get really mad, or hurt by things the kids would say, but honestly it was never about me. Never about their dad, mom or step-dad. It is about something they are going through. Parenting is so often about removing your own emotions from the situation, and looking at the issue logically and hopefully insightfully. Getting angry or punishing a child when their actions come from emotions they likely don’t even understand will never resolve the issue. Calling them on it, and talking it out, making sure they understand the impact of their words are the right things to do.
Another important aspect of adaptation is being aware of any conflict or animosity between ex-spouses. Be aware of it, and do not make it your own. Our initial instincts as humans is to protect and advocate the ones we love. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but you should also understand that there is history, emotion and anger that you simply do not understand, and most likely is two sided. Buying into the conflict between your spouse and their ex, as well as letting it spin you up into emotional cycles is hurtful to you and it does not add value to the situation. Trust me, I know. It’s not about you.
The best thing I’ve found, is to support your spouse, but not to the point where you cannot put yourself in the shoes of the other party. Emotions here, will cloud logical actions. A good role to play is an objective party that has their eye on the goal. What do you want to achieve out of the interaction? What’s the easiest or the most mature and efficient way to get there while protecting the children’s feelings. If you focus on these things, you will be a huge help to your spouse by helping minimize unnecessary stress, emotion and conflict. They will have an outlet to vent with you, where they are safe to say whatever they want without exacerbating the situation, and then, find the right path forward to resolution. I suspect these cycles go on for as long as co-parenting is required, which is forever, so the sooner you find the less emotional path, the better life will be.
Again, I’m sure there are ex-spouses out there that get along amazingly and don’t need to be so contrived about conflict management. I’d like to meet them, and find out what drugs they use.
While there are still times when I can get caught up in the emotional side of the kids exaggerating or fabricating facts between parents, or get frustrated when addressing co-parenting issues, I am getting much better at it, and hopefully will only get better as the years go on.
Links to previous posts on this topic
POST ONE
POST TWO
0 comments:
Post a Comment