I think there are thousands of books out there educating the masses on the proper way to discipline children. I also think that humans (even children) are so unique and different, that you can’t really apply a standard dogma across the board when it comes to it, and that even applies to the same child during their journey to and after adulthood.
I have evolved significantly over the past 4 years in how I approach discipline with the kids. Of course I was hugely influenced by my own mom’s style of parenting when it came down to it. My mom - who raised my sister and I on her own - was dedicated, strong, authoritarian, persistent and unconditionally loving.
My sister and I had the fear of mom in us, as it were. We knew if we didn’t listen, there would be consequences. Serious consequences that made us not want to do that bad thing again. Now we were perfect, but we knew the difference between right and wrong, and understood that if we chose the wrong path, we would not be happy about it in the end.
As a step-parent, it’s tough to discipline however you see fit. You will always be subject to the scrutiny of the biological parents, as you should be. A chosen action, or chosen words can be misconstrued, or misrepresented, so when disciplining a child, you must think of that each and every time.
When I got married, a co-worker gave me a piece of advice when it came to being a step-parent. She suggested that I not be just another person disciplining these children, but rather be another person that loves, guides and supports them. It was hard for me at first. I am a natural disciplinarian. I want order and justice! Not to mention, never having been a parent, I didn’t really realize that kids are forever pushing limits no matter which adult is around them. So at first, there were a lot of clashes. Me getting really upset and not understanding why they wouldn’t listen. How could they possibly do THAT? Clearly they do not respect me... Oh the innocence.
A common theme in these posts is that it’s just not about you. Kids don’t generally think things through, or have an understanding about how their actions affect others. You know, once I got over that (it took me a while), I realized I wouldn’t get mad that much anymore. I was able to talk things through with them rather than react unreasonably. I really think discipline should be about children understanding what they’ve done, what the impact to others is, and what consequences come with bad choices.
To quote Marge Simpson “Bart, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I don’t always love your choices.”
Now, when the kids chose to do something they shouldn’t, we talk about it. We don’t lose control, and in the meantime, we teach them how to better handle someone else doing something upsetting. I cannot express how much this role models the right behaviors for children. Unconditional love, education, and consequence - I think those are the basics when it comes to discipline.
Yes, there are times when I still get angry and deviate from this philosophy. Yes, there are many ways to do things and some may be better or worse, depending on the child or the situation. But so far, this is what I’ve come up with that seems to be working very well, and I intend to continue as long as it does.
Links to previous posts on this topic
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It's not always as easy as x, y, and z, but your methodology is certainly working so far as I can see. Both of the boys adore you, and when you pull them aside to show, teach, or instruct them in something, they always show at least an inclination to want to improve, if not improve directly.
ReplyDeleteIn particular that elder child of mine seems to recognize that you usually take him seriously and at face value, and that reflects a certain amount of respect that you have in him, and he tends to respect you that much more in return.
I think some others tend to miss that, but I'm certain that he doesn't. You're not afraid to call him on things, and while he's at the stage where he is more prone to argue a point rather than admit his own error, I think the only path to getting him BACK to a reasonable standing is by that respect (and a whole lot of patience! gah!)
Patience could be in more abundance for me. I still find myself having to deliberately control and contain. I wish it was more natural, but I suspect that is a legacy unreasonable expectation. I'm not mother theresa, that's for sure...
ReplyDeleteNow going into the teen years, I truly hope I can maintain calm and rationality.