Philosophical Musings

Meditation through drawing

2011-07-31T10:48:00.001-04:00

gaby mandala.jpg, a photo by Gabychka on Flickr.

I've found it difficult to disconnect from all the normal daily tasks and worries. Particularly yesterday, I struggled with relaxing so I went back to something I was doing more of late last year. Drawing Mandalas.

There is something extremely soothing about drawing these symmetrical designs. I somehow completely focus and forget about everything else. It's nice, albeit rather solitary.

I usually create them from my own imagination, but I think I'm going to seek out a book and try some more complex designs to model.

I recently read that there are monks that create sand mandalas on floors. They are exquisite and absolutely mind blowing. I am always humbled by talent found in the most unusual places.

I truly recommend this type of drawing to anyone looking to find a new way to relax, or even contemplate some singular issue. This activity provides a focus I cannot really explain.

Via Flickr:
Mandala

Step Parenting - Final post

2011-06-03T17:30:00.002-04:00

Now that we are settled in our routine and have learned to live together harmoniously - for the most part - we look to the future as any family does. Education, personal development, sports, friends, “girlfriends”, and possibly even another child. Ah, now that is likely worth of a few posts when and if the time comes.

I don’t think there’s a standard family definition anymore. What’s so very important is having the right intentions behind what we do, having the desire to learn from our mistakes and admitting that our way isn’t the only way.

For my part, I will always strive to be the best I can be, especially now as a role model for these children. I view my part in their development as likely my most important contribution on this planet. At least when it comes to my own values.

My hope is that they grow up to be genuinely happy people, and that they find a way to make this world a better place. That they find someone they can make happy too, and share the world with. I hope they find a passion they can channel into a career that is challenging and fulfilling. And maybe, just maybe, when they have children of their own, they will take the good that we all gave them, and learn from our mistakes too.

Here are links to the previous blog postings on step parenting:

POST ONE

POST TWO

POST THREE

POST FOUR

POST FIVE

Discipline - Step Parenting post 5

2011-05-21T10:30:00.001-04:00

I think there are thousands of books out there educating the masses on the proper way to discipline children. I also think that humans (even children) are so unique and different, that you can’t really apply a standard dogma across the board when it comes to it, and that even applies to the same child during their journey to and after adulthood.

I have evolved significantly over the past 4 years in how I approach discipline with the kids. Of course I was hugely influenced by my own mom’s style of parenting when it came down to it. My mom - who raised my sister and I on her own - was dedicated, strong, authoritarian, persistent and unconditionally loving.

My sister and I had the fear of mom in us, as it were. We knew if we didn’t listen, there would be consequences. Serious consequences that made us not want to do that bad thing again. Now we were perfect, but we knew the difference between right and wrong, and understood that if we chose the wrong path, we would not be happy about it in the end.

As a step-parent, it’s tough to discipline however you see fit. You will always be subject to the scrutiny of the biological parents, as you should be. A chosen action, or chosen words can be misconstrued, or misrepresented, so when disciplining a child, you must think of that each and every time.

When I got married, a co-worker gave me a piece of advice when it came to being a step-parent. She suggested that I not be just another person disciplining these children, but rather be another person that loves, guides and supports them. It was hard for me at first. I am a natural disciplinarian. I want order and justice! Not to mention, never having been a parent, I didn’t really realize that kids are forever pushing limits no matter which adult is around them. So at first, there were a lot of clashes. Me getting really upset and not understanding why they wouldn’t listen. How could they possibly do THAT? Clearly they do not respect me... Oh the innocence.

A common theme in these posts is that it’s just not about you. Kids don’t generally think things through, or have an understanding about how their actions affect others. You know, once I got over that (it took me a while), I realized I wouldn’t get mad that much anymore. I was able to talk things through with them rather than react unreasonably. I really think discipline should be about children understanding what they’ve done, what the impact to others is, and what consequences come with bad choices.

To quote Marge Simpson “Bart, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I don’t always love your choices.”

Now, when the kids chose to do something they shouldn’t, we talk about it. We don’t lose control, and in the meantime, we teach them how to better handle someone else doing something upsetting. I cannot express how much this role models the right behaviors for children. Unconditional love, education, and consequence - I think those are the basics when it comes to discipline.

Yes, there are times when I still get angry and deviate from this philosophy. Yes, there are many ways to do things and some may be better or worse, depending on the child or the situation. But so far, this is what I’ve come up with that seems to be working very well, and I intend to continue as long as it does.

Links to previous posts on this topic

POST ONE

POST TWO

POST THREE

POST FOUR

Learning from others - Post 4 on Step-Parenting

2011-05-15T11:55:00.004-04:00

An interesting aspect of human nature is that we all have opinions about things. Some of us are more outspoken, with varying communication skill levels. I can tell you that everyone seems to have an opinion about how to raise children, how to run a marriage, how to address ex spouses, and how to be a step-parent. This is a good thing.

At first, I was fairly resistant to anyone giving me advice on how to manage the different situations I was facing in my new environment. I felt as though my challenges were unique and could not be fully understood or helped by a person that was not truly part of it. And while sometimes that can be the case, I’ve realized that you can learn something from everyone and anyone, if you chose to listen in the right way.

Hearing advice and opinions does not mean acting on them. They are a data point, a reaction from someone based on the information you are providing them, or they are perceiving. Listening and observing is free. There isn’t much left in this world that is free, so I suggest that we all take advantage of it.

I’ve gotten advice from people who don’t have kids, who have kids and are happily married, people who are single parents, people who are divorced and are step-parenting like me.

I will admit, that sometimes the advice really does fall short of the situation, but that’s mostly because I’ve not shared all the implications with the person I’m talking too. I used to argue with those folks, saying “you just don’t have the full picture”, or “there’s too much to explain for you to understand.”. Now, I just listen. I listen because I realize that within the knee jerk opinionated reactions of people, there are tidbits of wisdom to be learned. What do you have to lose?

So now, when I’m going through a tough issue with the kids, or the ex-spouse, I actively go poll for input. Often, the act of simply disagreeing internally with someone helps me find the right solution for us. Data points help you adjust your course either through agreement, learning or disagreement.

I am so grateful for those in my life that teach me everyday. Particularly my mom, sister and my husband’s family. I have the best in-laws anyone could ever want. I’m not sure they realize how accepted and loved my family and extended family make me feel, and how much they teach me not only through their feedback, but through watching them with their own children.

I recommend to anyone struggling in a new environment to reach out to those around them. You have a treasure of information around you that can help make life, and learning so much easier. Use your ears more than you do your mouth, and when they ask for your input in return, make sure you aren’t reckless with extreme opinions or judgement. They too, will learn from you.

Links to previous posts on this topic

POST ONE

POST TWO

POST THREE

Step Parenting - Co-parenting POST 3

2011-04-24T00:34:00.001-04:00

Getting used to having children in your life is not the only adjustment that comes with step parenting. A whole new level of involvement begins, and that is parenting with an ex-spouse (if there is one) and their new spouse (if there is one). This adds significant complexity to the mix, as well as a lot of emotional ups and downs - if you let it.

There are so many different variables in this equation that I can’t even begin to do the topic justice. What I can share are the challenges that we faced - I faced - when adapting to being part of a quartet of parental figures.

The most important thing I came to understand, is that children, no matter how good, will play parents against each other at some point during the adaption period. I believe these actions to be borne not from bad intent, but from emotional confusion and guilt. Some children will feel like they are betraying their biological parent when getting along with or developing a strong relationship with a step parent. As such, they often are compelled to depict the step parent in a bad light to the biological parent to somehow make up for this. This is no fun for anyone involved. In fact, it can be downright destructive... again if you let it.

The key is to make sure parents and step parents are transparent with what the children tell them, particularly if negative. Often when a divorce is fresh, and feelings are still sore, the parents indulge in the negative information, and it fuels the fire of anger that might exist already. This, is a trap! The more the children are indulged in this practice, the worse it can get, and often with no realization of the impact it has.

This behavior has pretty much been curbed in our household, but once in a while, we’ll hear a strange or exaggerated negative statement and either immediately call the other parental unit to validate, or will speak with them shortly, with the boys in the room, and it usually ends up getting toned WAY down if not completely taken back. The threat of the conversation itself most of the time will actually have the same impact. :)

At first I’d get really mad, or hurt by things the kids would say, but honestly it was never about me. Never about their dad, mom or step-dad. It is about something they are going through. Parenting is so often about removing your own emotions from the situation, and looking at the issue logically and hopefully insightfully. Getting angry or punishing a child when their actions come from emotions they likely don’t even understand will never resolve the issue. Calling them on it, and talking it out, making sure they understand the impact of their words are the right things to do.

Another important aspect of adaptation is being aware of any conflict or animosity between ex-spouses. Be aware of it, and do not make it your own. Our initial instincts as humans is to protect and advocate the ones we love. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but you should also understand that there is history, emotion and anger that you simply do not understand, and most likely is two sided. Buying into the conflict between your spouse and their ex, as well as letting it spin you up into emotional cycles is hurtful to you and it does not add value to the situation. Trust me, I know. It’s not about you.

The best thing I’ve found, is to support your spouse, but not to the point where you cannot put yourself in the shoes of the other party. Emotions here, will cloud logical actions. A good role to play is an objective party that has their eye on the goal. What do you want to achieve out of the interaction? What’s the easiest or the most mature and efficient way to get there while protecting the children’s feelings. If you focus on these things, you will be a huge help to your spouse by helping minimize unnecessary stress, emotion and conflict. They will have an outlet to vent with you, where they are safe to say whatever they want without exacerbating the situation, and then, find the right path forward to resolution. I suspect these cycles go on for as long as co-parenting is required, which is forever, so the sooner you find the less emotional path, the better life will be.

Again, I’m sure there are ex-spouses out there that get along amazingly and don’t need to be so contrived about conflict management. I’d like to meet them, and find out what drugs they use.

While there are still times when I can get caught up in the emotional side of the kids exaggerating or fabricating facts between parents, or get frustrated when addressing co-parenting issues, I am getting much better at it, and hopefully will only get better as the years go on.

Links to previous posts on this topic

POST ONE

POST TWO

Step Parenting - misconception POST 2

2011-04-10T09:11:00.002-04:00

First misconception about step parenting. I will be an amazing, and patient step parent. I believed this beyond any doubt. I loved kids! Even when I hung out with my friends, I was always their children's advocate when they were in trouble (often to the annoyance of the parents). How could I NOT be a fantastic parental figure to step children? I've come to learn that living with children and being someone that constant in their lives is simply different than visiting with someone else's kids. DUH! Some parents might say, but this just wasn't evident to me.

So when I first visited with the boys (then 8 and 3), it went very well. Oh, how good they were, and sweet and how well they listened! I'm not sure why kids listen better to strangers than their parents, but I've come to learn that this is the norm. Quite misleading if you ask me. Sort of like at the start of dating. You don't see the cracks in the perfect picture, and over time, they reveal themselves. With adults dating, you can chose to end things. With kids, well, you have to accept them as they are, forgive their mistakes and help guide them not to make them again…and again… and again.

To be fair, these boys (now 13 and 8) are wonderful. I know a lot of different kids and while these ones aren't prodigies or perfect, they are wonderful. Both exhibit a depth of kindness that can only make you feel proud. They are curious about life, love to laugh, and genuinely enjoy helping others. What more can you ask or? Imperfections? HA! The other side to their fantastic character traits are the things that, for a new step parent, can drive you to madness. Parents will say this is simply normal and part of having kids, but when you've never had them in your life, it's quite affronting at first. So for example… breaking things that aren't theirs, wiping their nose on beautiful blankets, sibling death plots, sneaking/stealing of food or candy, up in the middle of the night playing their hand held video games, leaving dirty clothes EVERYWHERE, getting more food on the table and the floor than in their mouths, driving your cat crazy, tracking mud in the house, painting the inside of the sink with toothpaste daily, incessant talk about pretty much anything that goes through their heads (I pay them to be quiet for 5 minutes at times - see how bad I am?), wanting to play video games every second of the day… and the list could go on.

Going through all these different normal kid things at first, and all of a sudden, really put me off kilter. I found myself getting genuinely angry, and not in a proportionate way. When things got broken or misused, I took it personally feeling as if they lacked respect for me, and that's why they did it. I simple didn't get that this was normal. I had no patience for it. In fact, I had my now husband (who also thought I'd be endlessly patient) telling me that there were times I was truly overreacting. In the moment, that also didn't go over too well. He was right, of course. I was taken by surprise when something the kids did would being me from zen state to nuclear explosion in a matter of seconds. It was shocking because I had never felt that sort of emotion so intensely. Surely it wasn't my fault? HA! It totally was. Slowly but surely, I've tempered myself.

I've learned that as parents, or any type of parental figure, it's our job to teach our children self control. If we are getting angry and yelling, that is exactly what we are teaching them. Now once in a while I recognize this happens, and I'm not saying raising our voices to kids has no place (there are times, yes.). But generally, when dealing with conflict or mistakes, it's better to actually teach them to reason, to talk, to recognize the error and understand what the right expectation is. Teaching consequences for choices, good and bad, and accountability is the most important thing, in my opinion. I've gotten better at this, but it was not a given at first. That was a huge surprise for me.

Now almost 4 years in, I realize what a long way I've come. I understand that kids are just kids, and they often do not think about how their actions affect others. It's OUR job to teach them that. It is up to us to help them learn habits that will carry them through to adult life, but also allow them to be children through it all. It's ok for them to be imperfect t times, or not clean up after themselves. It's ok for them to make mistakes and learn from them and be loved despite it all. In fact I truly believe if you go out of your way to show you love your children no matter what they do, they are more likely to tell you the truth when they err, and confide in you when they are faced with challenges or tough decisions.

I want to be part of the village that raises these boys. I want to teach them how to be good to others, how to take care of their things, how to keep a clean home and be organized, how to follow through on projects, and earn trust, how to build strong relationships and above all to realize that the most important thing in life, is to be happy and seek for morally fulfilling activities (sometimes that's video games too :)).

So while there are times when I totally lose my cool - I can't lie - I have transformed into so much more. I'm not the AMAZING step parent I thought I would be, but I'm getting better at it every day. These kids have taught me to be a better person. I am more patient and accepting. I take life much more lightly. The biggest lesson, is forgiveness. What a gift that is, to learn to accept people for who they are, assuming good intent and forgiving them when they make mistakes.

Previous post on this topic

POST ONE

Step parenting

2011-03-13T14:12:00.003-04:00

I’ve been thinking about a blog post on the topic of step parenting for a while. I want to share my experiences from the past 3 years, having become a step parent to two boys, following no previous parental experience other than loving my friends’ and family’s children. No doubt likely the most transformative period of my adult life. These are the things worth sharing, I think.

I could easily write a 20 page post on the topic, but to avoid putting off anyone who actually reads the blog, I decided to break down my thoughts into a few different posts. Best to start with general thoughts.

It has been quite a journey. Rewarding at times, very challenging at others. The most significant difficulty for me, particularly at the beginning, was realizing how incorrect my expectations were before taking the leap into a relationship with someone who had children. My mother told me I didn’t know what I was getting into, even though she fully supported me. She tried to explain how much life would change. I thought I understood, I thought she was being protective. Turns out, she was so very right right. I had no idea.

A good friend of mine once said, having children is a lack of forethought. These were in the first months of no sleep, lots of crying and adaptation for he and his partner. Now, of course, his daughter is the single most important thing in his life. All this to say, that at the beginning, you can’t help but think - WHAT. HAVE. I. DONE!? Ok, so maybe there are perfect people out there who don’t go through this, but I know a lot do, even if for short periods of time. Well at first, with step children, and all the baggage that usually comes with them, you truly wonder if you were in your right mind doing this. You are of course. You just need to give yourself time to realize that your initial expectations were most likely delusional.

So here are a few misconceptions I had going into becoming a step parent. All dispelled, I assure you. But it was a bumpy ride.

- You’ll be great at this and it’s going to be easy!
- Kids will resist you and regularly scream “You are NOT MY MOTHER!”
- You will immediately love the kids as if they were your own.
- You will be the most patient step mother EVER!
- Co-parenting with an ex-spouse is easy and only requires good communication.
- Kids consider your feelings when acting (this speaks to lack of parenting experience in particular).
- Your life won’t change THAT much.

Ah, how naive! It’s difficult to even find the words to describe the blindness I had at first. Suddenly so many unexpected challenges! What’s important though, is to learn from the challenges, and focus on all the amazing things that children bring to our lives - whether your own, or borrowed.

There’s much to learn from this type of experience. At first, I think it’s about dispelling unreasonable expectations. After, of course, one hopes the experience evolves and becomes more akin to actual parenthood. That’s what I think, anyhow. Being a parent is not linked only to biological factors. It’s well beyond that. But I digress.

Here are some new perceptions I have now, after having been a step parent for a while.

- I’m not a perfect or uniquely patient parent figure. This takes hard work and self awareness.
- Kids are very open if you let them. They are amazingly adaptable.
- Don’t buy into the drama of co-parenting emotions. The adaptation period is rarely rational.
- Don’t take things personally from kids, they are just kids.
- Forgive forgive forgive!!! (probably my biggest lesson)
- Don’t be just another disciplinarian, be someone that loves them and advocates them.
- Earn trust, but know when to breach it.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Of course these are not the only lessons I’ve learned, and there are many more to come, but these are the ones I’d like to write about. Why? Because they have changed me. These wonderful, loving, independence searching children, make me a better person every day. They make me question who I am, what I want to exemplify, and how to teach them, too, to be better people as they grow and learn.

While I may or may not ever experience having a child of my own, I am grateful that the universe has brought me my step children. I can no longer imagine my life without them. That’s a pretty extra ordinary thing in itself, if you ask me.

Guerrilla Art

2011-02-11T21:44:00.002-05:00

I’ve been looking at some creative journals written by Keri Smith lately.

   •    Wreck this journal
   •    Guerrilla Art Kit
   •    How to be an explorer

She’s definitely very creative and pulls together a bunch of ideas to get your own creative juices flowing. The activities are nothing hugely serious, just fun stuff to go off and try when you’re in a creative slump.   Not that I have a whole lot of time to be creative these days – in fact I can’t remember the last time I painted – but I do still like to draw and doodle as an outlet.   I thought her books could give me some new ideas, or recycle some old ones.

While I’m still in evaluation mode with the books (libraries rocks), I did enjoy some of her suggestions in the Guerrilla Art book. It’s sort of like social, anonymous vandalism. It suggests different ways to post messages out there in the world, using things like moss art, flower seed bombs, organic glue for biodegradable posters and other funky, fun things.

Not for me. I don’t think I’d ever be able to go out in public and draw on a wall or post papers in a place they shouldn’t be, biodegradable or not. - Yes I’m a goody two shoes - But one activity did get me thinking.   It’s about leaving messages around to plant ideas in people’s heads. So the prompt is: if you could plant any 3 ideas in a person’s head, what would they be? Then write the ideas on post it notes and leave them everywhere, anonymously. Get people thinking. Not so that you’ll see a change, but actually in the hopes that those around you have new ideas that prompt them to think in different ways.

This concept interested me. I started to think about what I would do if I could subconsciously influence others. No, I didn’t imagine making someone transfer all their money in my bank account! Maybe buy me a ticket to FIJI! :) Not really. If you truly think about ways to influence others, what ideas would you spread around? After mulling it over a few days, I came up with the following three things:

1. Never settle for another person treating you poorly or unfairly
2. Always treat others well, and be fair
3. Think of the world as one big country, rather than many countries separate from one another. We are all humans, and we need to help each other, no matter where we are from.

You might say these are corny or cliche - I disagree. I truly think that if I had a way to change the behavior of others, these are the behaviors I’d hope to see. I know the world isn’t prone to this, but if we don’t start somewhere, we’ll never get there. Deep down, how can we truly be happy and feel good about who we are, if we do not treat others well. I know that when I act wrongly, or make a mistake and hurt someone else, it has a HUGE impact on how I feel about myself. I imagine that most humans feel this way until they become desensitized (if they do anyhow). Note that I’m not saying everyone out there is bad. I know better.

So I’m going to prepare a few post it notes with ideas like this written on them, and leave them posted in public places for people to see. Maybe, it might impact one person in a good way. Yes, I know there are tons of people out there that are wonderful, but there are also some that are not.

The thing with these activities, you don’t really know how you actually impact the world around you, but knowing that I might have a positive impact is enough for me.

WORK / LIFE BALANCE

2010-12-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

I started my first job when I was 14 years old. I haven’t stopped working since then, either part time through to college, or then full time through University to present. Having work, and money, equated to freedom for me, so I always made sure I had some source of income that I – and only I – controlled.

Here are some of the very crappy jobs I’ve held throughout my earlier years:

Assembled sales and pricing catalogs for a company that rented industrial grade construction equipment;
Sold lawn care via cold call telemarketing (I seriously rocked at this, but horrible work);
Schedule free estimates for ventilation system cleaning (dodgy company, dodgy boss);
Sold clothing, shoes, jewelry and various other wares at the local mall (this was great, good discounts);
Intern at an accounting firm (yuck);
Customer Service and sales rep for maintenance agreements;
Etc.

A lot of these were torturous, but I didn’t mind because they were merely a means to an end. When in your teens a job put gas in the car, cool clothing on your back, records and tapes in the stereo, and tons of other stuff that you’d otherwise have to beg and plead your parents for at birthdays or holidays. Oh, and eventually, these things paid for college tuition and books, but by then I actually did care about what work I was doing.

ANYWAY

The point is that I’ve always worked, never really caring about how it impacted my personal time. Even through my bachelor’s degree I worked like crazy. I had NO life whatsoever. All those crazy University stories other folks have, I don’t have. All I did was work, go to school, study and sleep. I didn’t party, join a sorority, or even go to University events. Even the student association I joined was related to business, and I worked for them too raising money and organizing student overseas work exchanges. Am I a workaholic? Yes. But it was ok, you know? I felt energetic, fulfilled, and defined by all the “stuff” I could get done in a day. I can’t look back on those times and feel like I was made unhappy by any of it. Of course everyone has good and bad periods, but overall, my work life has been just as I have wanted it. Interesting, busy, educational and challenging.

Since my move to the US, I’ve taken on different roles and challenges at the same organization - sometimes working tons of hours, sometimes working normal hours. Overall, I’m very happy with the company, with what I do, and who I support. I’ve had lots of growth and opportunities, so I haven’t been bored yet.

I’ve been in my current role about 2 years now, and I should start thinking about what I want to do next. The company I work for is pretty big, so there’s no lack of options for me to pursue. The thing is, for the first time in my life, there is one criterion that is driving my career path far more than any others: Work/Life balance. Never in the past did I ever worry about this. I was ready and willing to work long hours to get the job done! I loved it! I felt like I was part of the team, someone who really could be counted and was known to contribute above and beyond when needed.

Not that I don’t want to be that person anymore, but things in my life have changed. Free time has become incredibly precious to me, in a way that I have no words to truly express, which has caused my priorities to shift dramatically.

The tint of my lenses has changed, and I now look to the future with less ambition (for lack of a better word). While I want to grow and succeed, it is not critical that I progress at the same vector that I have in the past. I don’t mind passing up an opportunity, I don’t mind being patient. After all, it’s only a job right? J Ha! You never would have caught me saying that before. EVER!

It’s so odd to realize how much I’ve changed in the past year. There have been some tough lessons, and trials, I admit it. Instead of focusing on that, I try to see it as a gift the universe has given me – perspective. I love my job, my career, but I love my family more. I am hungry for that balance now, and it makes me happy to be self aware of it. I feel contented by my frame of mind, and am confident I will make the right choices for myself within it.

If I could share this gift with everyone in the world, I would.

The minutes we share with those we love are numbered. You never know what the future will bring. Cliché as it may sound, we have to treasure the seconds, minutes, hours and days we have. They are all extraordinary (even the ones spent sitting across from one another while writing a blog post).

Holidays

2010-11-30T20:13:00.001-05:00

Iceland Dec 2007
Originally uploaded by Gabychka

Each year, we usually have some sort of exiting travel plan or visitor set up for the Christmas holiday. Last year was our wedding, the year before we went to Montreal and the year before, we went to Iceland. (See picture of Geyser herein).

This year is my sister's 40th birthday, and she is celebrating in Reykjavik. My mom will be going to be there as well. My sister invited us, but we've decided not to go due to recent expenses (something like a house purchase...) we thought best to conserve a bit and stay local.

While I'm very happy my sister will have mom with her for this grand event, I can't help but be sad that this will be the first holiday ever that I won't see my mom. I know I know, grow up! It'll be ok, and we'll have tons of fun with the boys and Brian's family. But still! It will be very odd. If I had my choice, I'd travel somewhere new and exciting with my family every holiday and explore the world!

This year - no wedding, no event, no travel. But, we are in a new home, so maybe this will be an opportunity to create some great memories here with local friends and family. In 2011, we'll have to save our pennies so we can do something extra special for the holiday then.

In the meantime, we're still working on moving into the house. We're mid renovations at the moment - getting rid of nasty circa 1970 mud stained like wallpaper. Once that's done, we can finally unpack the rest of our stuff and settle in. We really do love it here. I'm so close to work, there are tons of things around us, and well, the neighborhood is just peachy. Our next door neighbor baked us a HUGE CAKE! Who does that anymore? We already know a lot of people on the street and everyone is uber-friendly.

I'll be thankful that the reason we can't travel this year is because we've found a new home in a great place this year, and hopefully to be this way for many many years to come.

Happy pre-holidays. Hope the Christmas music doesn't drive everyone too crazy!

Home is where the cat is.

2010-10-22T20:10:00.001-04:00

This week, I've had some pretty serious conversations with Chester.

That's him, with his paw over his face, begging us NOT to move again. I've had this cat in my life for a VERY long time. He turned 14 this year, and he's been with me since he was 1. He's my teenager. My fur coat. My alarm clock in the middle of the night. My snuggle bug. And many, many other wonderful things.

He hates moving.

Because he's moved so much, he knows all the signs. Boxes being packed, things being thrown out, his kitty carrier brought into view in preparation. HE IS PISSED OFF! It's so odd that an animal can be so sensitive to change. Chester (aka Cheddar, aka Sack-o-Rocks, aka Sir Peealot, aka PeeBody, aka barfbag) makes it abundantly clear that change is bad bad bad. I wonder if there are kitty whisperers out there. Yeah, right! Cats have no master, they only have staff. I am his loyal servant/plebeian, and he is my tyrant.

So these discussions have not lead us too far, though he has returned to sleeping in the room with us again after a pre-move hiatus. I suspect he will eventually give into the inevitable, but I assure you, once we move into the new house, he will surely soil it in all possible ways. *sighs* Hopefully for the last time, in a long time. Poor Cheddar, this is his 3rd move in 3 years.

All this chatter to bring you the news that we got the house. The inspection went through, we got all the necessary documents, and we settle on November 5th. Very short timeline, but that only makes us more motivated to get everything done. Life is hectic, but I take solace in the fact that once the dust settles, our lives will return to the normal, boring yet satisfying routine.

WOOT! :)

House news .... again.... maybe

2010-10-09T14:55:00.003-04:00


House take II

Well, this is our second attempt at purchasing a home here in Maryland. The first one fell through, as noted in my last post. So, after a week of nursing our wounds, we went forward and looked at more houses.

It was a long day for all involved. I think our real estate agent and friend, Brad, has been a huge part of keeping my hopes up because he's always so nice and encouraging. Deep down, we ultimately were all a bit discouraged after the first deal fell through.

So, we had 5 houses to view. Let me tell you, there are a LOT of icky homes out there. After the 4th, I was honestly feeling depressed. Not a feeling I often even allow myself to entertain, but that day, I had convinced myself that after the loss of the first house, we would not find anything so fitting, and that would make me feel as though it was just "right". As we went from house to house, it just got worse. Those MLS listings and pictures just don't give a good representation.

Things I realize are important:
- Square footage (no point visiting a house that's too small, even if it looks like it rocks in pictures)
- Location, location, location (not only for safety, and environment, but for resale value, commute, etc.)
- School districts
- Number of bathrooms and bedrooms

While I did not want a big house - 1500 sq feet was fine with me - there are some out there with a lot more. Below that, though, and it gets a bit cramped with the kids, and needing a home office.

The outcome of all these requirements? SLIM PICKINS'

I am happy to say, however, that the 5th house that I found online the night before our depressing day, ended up being wonderful. A small picture here of the atrium addition on the home. It's situated in Columbia, Maryland, rated the 2nd best place to live in the United States. WOOT! It has a great school system, and even better, it's 9 minutes from where I work. It has lovely wood floors throughout the main level of the home, and has 3200 square feet. BIG! Lots of room for us to grow into. It's not perfect, though. It was build in the 70s and has ATROCIOUS wallpaper eh-veh-ry-where. Even the light switch and plug covers are wrapped in the wallpaper. Suffice to say, it must come down. One of many projects, but that's fun!

The bones of the house are solid, the atrium addition is beautiful (3 HUGE skylights making the house shine with natural light, and beautiful colours of green from all the mature trees outside), and behind the house is a lovely creek and the ever present bike/walking path that goes around all of Columbia. NICE!

So, we made an offer. A counter offer in writing was made, and we accepted. NOW, we are just waiting for them to send us back the finalized documentation. STRESSFUL! The most difficult part of this, is that we would settle November 5th, and move in on the 6th. It is already October 9th. Insanity. I am off to Phoenix, AZ for work 3 days next week on top of all of that. Yes, I take Tylenol PM so I can sleep! The sooner we hear from them, the better. I have my fingers crossed for today.

Anyhow, we've already accepted that if this deal doesn't goes through, it's OK. We've become desensitized, and have a list of 4-5 other houses to go see if this just doesn't happen. It only took one cycle of disappointment, we've put on our thick skin, and realize there are plenty of other homes out there waiting for us! We haven't given up on this one.... yet!

So I hope my next post will be to inform one and all that everything is final and we are madly packing our personal belongings and moving house. Any positive vibes would be greatly appreciated!

House shopping update

2010-09-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a roller coaster week! We thought we had found the right house for us. After two visits, measuring, budgeting and not sleeping, we decided to make an offer on a new house. Just constructed and lovely! It was a single family home (not in our original plans), with big bedrooms, a walk in closet with it's own zip code, and a FANTASTIC laundry room on the main floor, etc. etc. I could go into a lot more details, but suffice to say it had all the things we wanted.

So we make the offer, and the next day, we get a counter offer. We make another counter, and the seller (builder) comes back saying they will not budge. With help from our real estate agent, we finally agree to their terms. Then... radio silence. Nothing for 36 hours. It was horrible to think that one moment, we were going to move into a lovely home with all our needs met, and then finally get an email from our agent saying the builder accepted another offer.

We were upset and disappointed, but mostly puzzled that the seller could be entertaining another offer while negotiating with us. While we do have some recourse, we just don't want to pursue it. There are tons of other homes on the market, and we will keep looking. It's just such a shame after a long time looking (on and off for the past year), that this deal should have fallen through.

I'm over the initial disappointment, and am sure to never buy a home from that builder EVER.

We are still going to move forward with packing our stuff up. If we do a bit at a time, when the time comes it will be easy, with a lot less stress.

Now, to find something that will measure up to this house, in the same price range.

ugh...

Niagara Falls

2010-09-17T19:37:00.001-04:00

Niagara Falls
Originally uploaded by Gabychka

I finally uploaded a few pictures from our Montreal trip with the boys. For those who don't know, we drove up through New York state to visit a farm from Brian's youth, and then passed through Niagara Falls for one night and one day.

I have to admit, I was reluctant to go to Niagara Falls. I had been before - more than once - and had no real interest in going again, even with Brian and the kids. But ultimately, it was someplace Brian really wanted to see so I agreed.

I have to admit, one does not necessarily remember the grandeur of this natural chasm. It's massive, and the incessant, thundering water can be heard from very far away, as can the mist caused by the falls be seen.

It was a great experience to rediscover the falls through the eyes of others who had not been, and even for myself. It's simply stunning. We had perfect weather, we went early to visit so there was little touristic traffic, and the boys LOVED IT!

I would do it again, now that I've gone back. I recommend that anyone who gets the chance go. It is a wonder of the world, and there are few words that can really explain the feeling of being there to see it. This picture, while pretty, never will express the beauty of the site.

Visions of Summer

2010-09-13T20:06:00.001-04:00

Delicious Strawberries
Originally uploaded by Gabychka

Testing my flickr link to my blog. Summer is slowly winding down. While it's still very temperate here, I know that the cold weather is coming soon. I'm just grateful for the climate where I live now.

I can only hope that this winter won't bring the endless snow like last winter season. That was horrible! Though I have to admit the one thing it did do, was bring the neighborhood together.

It's been a good summer following a tough spring. I enjoyed many of the strawberries as seen in this picture from the Baltimore Farmer's Market. I will miss them until next spring...

Purchasing a home

2010-09-11T12:55:00.003-04:00

Brian and I have been looking to buy a house for some time now. We've put the search off a few times, then come back, but now, we are resolved. The market keeps dropping here, and it's almost to a palatable point. I miss Montreal's cost of living, EVEN with the high taxes.

Home prices in this area are RIDICULOUS! Not to mention that the quality of education varies (hugely) depending on the county you chose to live in. Obviously, the good counties are costly, with high fees and taxes... You can live in a bad school system county and chose to send your children to private school, but then you are losing what you make up for in taxes/house cost. BLAH!

Buying real estate has always stressed me out. I bought my first house when I was in my mid 20s, and it stressed me out just the same. Then, when I bought my condo, I wanted to barf signing the papers. Real Estate purchases equate to nausea for me. All self created, of course. I acknowledge it. But can you blame me? It's a huge deal, and who knows if I'll be able to sell if I decide I want to move again. SO MUCH TO CONSIDER.

Brian says my expectations are out of line, but I think it's important to wait for what you want, and KNOWING what you want.

I hate cookie cutter houses. I want something unique, with character. Something that makes me smile when I come home, but also, that won't break the bank. I do NOT want to be house poor. I want cash flow to travel and do things! But darn it, I want a house that I love, too. Where's a genie when you need one.

We'll see what happens...

Going home

2010-08-22T21:05:00.006-04:00

When I moved to the United States 3 years ago, I never understood how significant the change to my life would be. It's not just the change in jobs, or moving away from friends and family... it is so much more.

I love change. Whether it be meeting a new friend, visiting a new location, starting a new job, I am invigorated by it. I have a change curve just like everyone else, but I tend to fly through it a bit more quickly. I think this has to do with the fact that my parents moved my sister and I around so much when we were young. You learn to adapt, make new friends, get used to new foods, and so on. As a child it's a bit easier, as the adults own your integration. Suffice to say, I developed some flexibility from it. So did my sister.

Knowing this, I felt good about moving to the US in 2007. I am here. I have adapted. It is still challenging.

I want to first acknowledge the wonderful things I now have due to this move. I have the most wonderful husband (the cause of the move), two great step kids I learn from ALL-THE-TIME, my husband's family whom support and love me completely, new friends, and a job that is simply put, fantastic! Great, right? For the most part, ABSOLUTELY.

Challenges? There are a few. The biggest, is living with the knowledge that I moved far away from my mom. She has been and remains the strongest influence and inspiration of my life. I could indulge in an entire other post, describing to the world what an amazing person she is, so I will have to just summarize here. All that I am that is strong and good has come from her. She is getting older. She is not married. I feel a huge amount of guilt for moving away. Naturally, she expresses only happiness and support for my new life here (she moved to Australia when she was first married, so she understands), but deep down, I feel absolutely torn apart by having chosen to live far from her. It's been three years, it hasn't gotten better.

While leaving her has been the most difficult part of moving, there are other sacrifices that have affected me deeply. When I lived in Montreal, I developed some very important friendships. Life defining friendships that I suspect I will not easily find as I get older. There are critical times in our lives that we meet and grow with people in ways that simply do not happen later in life. Leaving those people has been very difficult, and has left my heart hurting. It is difficult to see their lives and interactions move on. Knowing parties, suppers, and all other types of activities go on which I cannot be a part of. Knowing it was my choice to move from this does not make the feelings any less sharp. I am happy they are happy. I just miss being a regular part of their lives, and all that they brought to mine.

Last week I visited Montreal and spent a lot of time with my mom, and some with friends. It was wonderful, and I felt whole, particularly since my husband and step kids were with me. I did not want to leave. I had everyone close to me that I wanted, no sacrifices, no choices. Everyone together.

Leaving was hard. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but when I visit, those wounds tend to reopen. They heal faster than when I first left, but they will likely somehow always be there.

I love my life and I don't want to change it. I made this choice, it was the right one. But like most things, nothing is perfect. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have, and mostly for the best husband anyone could ask for. There are days when I just wish I could have it all.

Brief Rant

2010-05-13T22:34:00.003-04:00

The precious few who read this blog know that I recently moved away from Montreal to the United States, and have settled in Baltimore, Maryland. While I do love living here, I still often pine for my home town.

Montreal is a wonderful city with amazing culture, attractions, art, food, and the list could go on and on. But that's not what this is about.

Last night, the Montreal "Canadiens" hockey team won their series against the Pittsburgh Penguins. What a great accomplishment! They came into the elimination series in last place, and have moved forward twice now, beating teams with better records. What a source of joy and pride for me, being far from home. It makes me happy, and nostalgic, all at once.

This morning, I read the news and what do I find out? RIOT, DOWNTOWN MONTREAL! UGH! What a huge disappointment. This is not the first time. I have no idea why this small contingent of Montrealers feels the need to loot and vandalize when our Hockey team wins some important match/series/cup!?

It is embarrassing. Have they no idea that this is the sort of event that gets plastered around the world, portraying a HORRIBLE international view of our city and province? Have they no pride in themselves and their city?

It makes me mad, and this is certainly something that even as a practiced HR person, I have great difficulty understanding or forgiving.

For those who read this, Montreal /IS/ a great city, and those few that chose to behave so poorly do not represent us.

/end rant

Glass half full or half empty

2009-07-26T15:19:00.001-04:00

As some of you may know, I’ve been working in the field of Human Resources in one way or another since the age of 20. I was very fortunate to morph into this career as I am endlessly fascinated by human beings and how very different and similar they are to one another. There are countless permutations of personalities and philosophies which always makes working with people interest. Every day, I learn something new about the human condition, and I try to apply those lessons to my own life.

I’ve always been challenged by the concept of happiness in humans. This is one condition that tends to be binary. Of course there are multiple facets and definitions, and my goal here is not to get into a semantics debate, however I have noted after all these years of analyzing people, I’ve noted simply that some people are happy, and some are not. I used to think being happy was a choice. I no longer believe that. I’ve come to the realization, or at least the opinion, that genetics have a significant influence on people’s ability to see the positive side of life or not. Caveat: Yes, people can be taught to be strong and positive or to be victims and always feel sorry for themselves from the environment in which they are brought up. I know this, understand it and agree. That out of the way, I still think that we are inclined either way, and it’s not entirely in our control. If we have a particularly proclivity, and it is indulged in youth, it will only serve to reinforce it, or vice versa. We can overcome our tendencies if we are self-aware enough, but we don’t choose our parents and how they teach us.

What is your experience?

We’ve all had friends in our lives who complain incessantly. No matter how many good is around them, they tend to focus on what they don’t have, and how unfair life is. They do not hold themselves accountable for their misfortunes. They blame their parents, their ex-husbands/wives, or even self-deprecate to the point of making you ill. When YOU share your own tribulations with them, their only response is how lucky YOU have it, and they go on to list all the awful and melodramatic things are in their own world – telling you how you simply don’t understand. Saying they are happy about anything would be breaking some sort of rule. I’ve had friends like this, I’ve tried to help them, I have failed almost every single time. Note that I believe happiness, if to be achieved in its different hues, is largely self driven and I was doomed to fail ultimately, particularly if that person had no interest in finding some semblance of positivity around them. However, I ultimately believe that they simply were unable to even entertain the fact that they had some form of good in their lives. Do you have friends like this?

Myself

I suspect I have about 4 happy genes inside me somewhere. No matter the struggle or challenge ahead of me, deep down inside I revert to happy. I’m happy to be alive in this world, to have the opportunity to impact other people, and have them impact me. I don’t think I’ve ever made a conscious decision to tell myself to be happy, or to just learn from a hard experience and move on. I will admit I’ve had struggles, but even in the midst of the tempest, I knew I needed only tie myself to the mast, and the storm would end. Yes, I have an amazingly strong mom who always made us stand up and say “I’m OK”.

But I also had a dad who was never happy with how well we did with anything. He always wanted more, pushed us harder, never a pat on the back to say good job, never encouragement. They way he lived his life was an example of what not to do. So why is it that having both sides of the coin in my upbringing, I’ve reverted to the happy side? I think its part of my makeup. I got lucky in the genetic happy lottery, and had one very strong influence in my life that continuously appealed to that side of me.

So, can people who are generally unhappy change? Can they go against their genetic tendencies? I think so. I think if someone is self aware enough and realizes they are playing the victim, and feeling sorry for themselves, they can modify their behavior, and in turn how they feel. I think it’s a huge endeavor though, because that negativity and self pity has become a security blanket for them, and it is scary to let it go. If you are happy and fulfilled, what will get them attention from others? What will drive them to move forward? I’m not sure.

Anyhow… it’s an interesting topic for me because I’d sincerely love to find a way to help those who wake up unhappy every day. The world is filled with challenges, and if we all felt more positive about ourselves and the world in general, we’d be much better at constructively facing those challenges and contributing to our fellow human beings in a cooperative way.

HUMANISM

2009-07-07T21:55:00.000-04:00

At a very young age, I began to explore questions of morality, religion and philosophy. Until the age of nine I was educated in catholic schools, and for a period, even taught by nuns. The experience wasn't any more or less torturous then when I transitioned to public high schools when my family moved back to Canada from the U.S., however the gravity of daily content was certainly diametrically opposed.

I remember, at the age of 9, asking my teacher, a nun, if God created man, or if man created God. I did not begin to realize the significance of the question at that age, but it was a precursor to what has grown into a continuous struggle with the concepts of faith and morality. The two are not mutually exclusive, nor are they necessarily inclusive either. So much within the walls of organized religion in this world contradicts the values that their dogmas teach, and yet these core value systems are the stuff that our societies are made of.

My goal here is not to discuss God or my beliefs, but more about my thoughts on morality, and its existence and proliferation outside of the boundaries of religion.

Recently, I've been fascinated with learning about the humanism movement. I read a book called "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean Paul Sartre. It's a copy of a lecture he gave, and was quite thought provoking. When I was a teenager, I loved the concept of existentialism. It appealed to my dark and misanthropic tendencies at the time. - I'm quite certain teen hormones were to blame, but I digress. - I somehow could not marry myself to the idea that people who did not believe in God or did not follow any one religion were amoral or bad. But ultimately, I found existentialism fell short of filling the hollow spot in me, which simply found no fulfillment from religion or the concept of God. Not to discredit any of these concepts, they simply were not the paths that I was looking for, nebulous as my path was and at times continues to be in these matters.

So following my Sartre reading, I started to research humanism. It sparked some sort of excitement in me that at the time I didn't quite understand. Though I could draw some conclusions in what humanism was, based on the lecture and my own semantical deductions, but I realized my musings were not necessarily on target. So let’s be specific.

What is humanism?

the doctrine that people's duty is to promote human welfare

the doctrine emphasizing a person's capacity for self-realization through reason; rejects religion and the supernatural

Suddenly, I found myself identifying deeply with a doctrine, a way of thinking, a way of life that somehow spoke to me in that deep place where my faith -or lack thereof -had failed me long ago. There was a whole set of ideas out there, already documented, that were so eloquently verbalizing what I had been unable to articulate for so long. What was the spark? The feeling that I belonged. A niche, a pocket of humanity where I recognize myself starkly. I wonder what was more important, finding theory with which I identified, or feeling I actually belonged in some group somewhere in this endless universe.

Yes, humans can care for one another and want to do what's good and right in the world, and they need not subscribe to a religion. Humans who did not have the seed of faith growing within them were not alone, were not bad, and could achieve wonderful things. Not by rejecting the idea of religion or God, but living the same basic concepts through another medium.

For a long time I wondered if something was faulty in me that made me so different from friends and family who were not living the same questions and passions I was. I'm not faulty. They are not faulty. We are all just different and the impetus behind what drives us to be good and fair and loving of the world and those around us can come from many places.

A work colleague of mine commented to me that they thought a new leader joining the company was a man of faith, and she felt comforted by that, knowing that automatically would make him good. I felt sad that day because I wondered how she would feel about me knowing my own beliefs. I wish this world were more tolerant of our differences. We can embrace them, and draw strength from them, rather than segregate ourselves through being judgmental or fearful.

At the end of the day, I really think humans are basically the same. We need food, shelter and safety. We want to be loved, and we want to love. We want somehow to see our legacies go on, either through our children or our work. I think that's why the whole humanism movement appeals to me so much, because deep down, I too want to belong to something that is bigger than me, something wonderful and inspiring. I just needed something that spoke to my pragmatism and realist nature. I wish we could all recognize and accept that this spark comes from different things for each person, whether it is God, or something else.

How is it that we humans have these same needs and desires, and still we let matters of faith or origin or language drive a wedge between us so deep and so wide that we forget we are all fundamentally the same...

Blogging

2009-04-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

I created this account some time ago in order to watch a friend's online business blog (taunaki.com). I never took advantage of the opportunity to write here, as I already had a fairly extensive blog on another site. The nature of that body of work was and remains of a much more personal nature, and was given life through a not so uncommon desire to have a footprint out there in the world of bits and bytes. Since that blog's inception (2004), I've greatly limited any sort of access to the content therein, learning with time that sharing your personal thoughts, concerns and experiences liberally on the internet is not the best idea. Live and learn...

For the most part, the impetus behind my past desire to maintain a blog has evolved beyond the scope of my writings heretofore, and as such, I found myself considering a recreation of that activity in an environment and with a tool that better suits my present interests. There's been a catalyst for all this, and I am grateful for it.

I was notified by a weekly update I receive from a business networking site that my boss had published a new blog post. Intrigued that HE would be blogging, I interestedly clicked on the link provided to find out what he was putting out there in the world. Though not surprised, I was impressed by the goal of his blog, and appreciated its subject matter, which ultimately got me thinking about blogging in general, why I used to blog, and why I had stopped almost completely in the past 6 months.

Let me get a caveat out of the way in case my boss DOES ever come across this post. I hope my re-entering the world of blogging will not be perceived as a diluted, imitative action, but rather the outcome of being inspired by a good idea from a person whom I think is a great role model. That said, my intent is not to build a blog around business imperatives - as his is - but rather to pick up an activity I've found so rewarding in the past, but to do so being mindful of the metamorphosis that has transformed its original "raison d'être".

I adore my business persona where I play HR Manager during the day, supporting a fantastic, and very interesting organization, but my passions outside of that world have always been related to philosophy, psychology, religion and art. So in the spirit of filling my life with variety, I will continue to maintain a blog on a more personal level, but less emotive and more discussion based. Not that I don't see value in pursuing a body of work discussing and digging into my career, but my artistic, more philosophical side compels me to explore other things.

When I started my first blog years ago, I had no subscribers or followers and that was fine. With time, it certainly changed - ebbed and flowed - and I suspect the same might happen here. Regardless, audience is not at the crux of my renewed vigor for this activity.

I'm very pleased to be back, and I guess I owe my boss' blog a thank you for sparking the the light of creativity, even if inadvertently.